I have learned a lot about assisting couples with their weddings over the past 11 years.  During that time, I’ve worked with Jewish/other, Muslim/other, Hindu/other, Christian/atheist, non-denominational and non-religious couples — and have been inspired to create ceremonies that are honoring of everyone present.

In this process, it is necessary to dance very lightly with dogma.  I ask each couple how much or how little of their spiritual lives they want to include in the script.  Then we create together an event that reflects them and their relationship as personally as possible.  Let me give you an example in the following story.

I had been deeply concerned about this particular wedding — more so after attending the rehearsal a week before.  You see, this was the union of two people who came from very different spiritual backgrounds — Roman Catholic groom and Native American bride.  They had been together for over eight years, and I needed to create a ceremony that would honor both backgrounds and all of their guests as well.

From conversing with family members at the rehearsal, I learned there were levels of tension on both sides, particularly from the groom’s mother.  She was anxious that her son’s wedding reflect Christian values and not have any “hokey-pokey”.  And this was a concern she had shared with other family members — it was deepseated and needed to be addressed.

I arranged to meet once more with the couple between rehearsal and wedding.  At that time, we discussed ways to honor both traditions, and to find commonalities wherever possible.  Wonderful.

I’ve never been Catholic, was raised Anglican in Canada.  My study of and appreciation for Native American rituals came later, mainly through the medicine wheel, particularly the Wheel of Law.  The power of smudging or blessing with sage smoke is a ritual I deeply respect, and it was very important for the bride.

So that morning, I packed the car very carefully.  The basket and abalone shell were there, the last of the sage I found in Ojai many years ago, my magical dark pink embroidered East Indian cloth and for some reason, two thick washcloths, one dark green and the other dark blue.  These leapt into my hand when I reached into the linen closet for something else, I wasn’t sure why.

Upon arriving at the location more than an hour early, I went to the outdoor site and lit the sage.  It flamed up immediately, then smoked beautifully with very little flame.  I walked around the entire area where the guests would be sitting, then up and down the aisle — and ended at the front table, wondering how to quiet the smoke in order to take it back to the lodge and smudge the bridal party.

It suddenly became clear why the thick cloths had invited themselves.  The green one stayed beneath the abalone shell, protecting pink cloth and basket from the heat.  And the blue one covered the mouth of the shell, stilling the smoke until we got back to the Lodge.  It was ready to go without even needing to be relit.  Marvelous.

After the bridal party entered, we called in the directions and blessed this couple.  The ceremony was rich with traditions and feelings from an eclectic group of guests who brought their own powerful energies to witness this union. 

Before the exchange of rings, I smudged the golden circles and verbally compared this burning of sage with the burning of incense in the Catholic church.  “The purpose of rising smoke is the same in both traditions — setting sacred space, and carrying our prayers for this couple up to the heavens.”

Clouds were thickening overhead and rain threatened as the couple said their vows to one another.  At that very moment, several geese flew overhead adding their honked blessings.  I referred to this gently, saying: “What a blessing this is from the geese — who themselves mate for life.”

It was a magical time, and a privilege to participate — rain only started to fall after we had made our way back to the reception.  And the groom’s mother told me she had never been to such a beautiful wedding.  Wonderfilled.

I thank you and I bless you, Laura and Jimmy — Congratulations!  And I bless the wonder of doing interfaith wedding ceremonies — this process brings interesting challenges and great joy to my life.

Rev. Marian Hale, All Ceremonies Beautifully Done
www.revmarian.com     Phone 847-491-0603

One of the most difficult and important aspects of a divorce is custody of the minor children. While parents who divorce are not “divorcing” their children, separating from a spouse means that your children will not live with either of you all of the time.  In this sense, there is an actual separation from the children.

There are two forms of child custody under Illinois law:  “Sole Custody” and “Joint Custody”.   There are common misunderstandings of these terms that cause divorcing parents anxiety and confusion.  Two of the most common misunderstandings are  1) that a parent with “sole custody” has all of the parental rights and that the other parent has no parental rights; and 2) the belief that a parent with “sole custody” can freely move out of state.  Both of these beliefs are very threatening for a parent.

What is Sole Custody?

A parent with sole custody has the right to make all major decisions regarding the care of the children without discussing these decisions with, or obtaining consent from the other parent.  The divorce judgment will set forth the non-custodial parent’s schedule of time with the children.

The non-custodial parent has general parental rights.  In addition to parenting, or visitation time, the non-custodial parent has a legal right of access to health and school records.  Sole custody is awarded to one parent when the parents are unable to communicate effectively enough to make joint decisions regarding the children.  It is not, in most cases, a determination that the non-custodial parent is unfit.  A parent might have visitation restricted and/or be prohibited from access to a child’s records if there is an Order Of Protection.   Visitation might also be restricted if a court finds that visitation would seriously endanger the child’s physical, emotional, or mental health.  Such situations are the exception, not the rule.

What Is Joint Custody?

Parents who share joint custody of their children create a written plan called a Joint Parenting Agreement.  The Illinois Marriage And Dissolution Of Marriage Act sets forth minimum requirements for a Joint Parenting Agreement.  The agreement must provide for the physical residence of the children.  In order to do this, the parents agree upon a written schedule of each parent’s time with the children during the week, weekends, holidays, vacations and special occasions.  This is usually called a “visitation schedule” or a “parenting schedule”.  There is no requirement that each parent have equal time with the children.

A Joint Parenting Agreement must also set forth each parent’s powers, rights and responsibilities for the care of the children.  There will also be reference to areas of joint decision-making.  At a minimum there will be joint decisions on religious upbringing, health care and education.  It is common for parents to include additional areas of joint decision-making.  For instance, they may decide to make joint decisions on extra-curricular activities, camp and social activities.  Some parents include areas based on their particular concerns and values.  Other parents include only the minimum required terms.

Another required provision in a Joint Parenting Agreement is a dispute resolution procedure for mediating any disagreements regarding parenting issues.  In addition there will also be a process for the parents to follow for any proposed changes to the agreement.  If the parents are unable to resolve a dispute after following the procedures in their agreement, they may then bring the issue before a judge.

Out Of State Moves With The Children

If a parent with sole custody wants to move out of state with the children, it is necessary to obtain the consent of the other parent or an order from a judge allowing the move.   A parent with joint custody of the children must also obtain the consent of the other parent or an order from a judge in order to move out of state with the child.

How Does This Information Apply To You If You Are Divorcing?

The information provided here is a very general overview of a complex topic and is not meant to be legal advice.  If you are contemplating a divorce, it is important for you to seek the advice of an attorney if these are issues of concern to you.

Roselynn Don
Law Office Of Roselynn Gilbert Don
2530 Crawford Avenue  Suite 106
Evanston, Illinois
(847) 869-9720

If you are planning to sell your house, you may be wondering whether to stage it first or go ahead and list it without staging. After all, you can always stage it later if it doesn’t sell, right?

Well, right…as long as you don’t mind taking longer to sell and making less money when you do. Here’s why:

1. Your home will see the most action in the first two weeks after it’s listed. That’s when it gets the most buzz among the Realtors and when you typically get the most showings. That’s also when you are likely to get your highest offer. Don’t waste this golden opportunity by not putting your home’s best foot forward.

2. If you stage your home before you list it AND take great photos of your staged home, your agent will be able to attract more people to tour your house. 87% of people now pre-shop on the internet before physically visiting homes for sale. Make sure you don’t turn them off with lousy pictures. And don’t think you can get away with a single picture of the front of the house or a couple of pictures of the more presentable rooms. Too few pictures will send a red flag to potential buyers, who will think, “There must be something wrong with this house if they’re not showing us all of the rooms. Let’s skip it”

3. That old saying is true: “You never get a second chance to make a great first impression.” If a buyer tours your house and finds it cramped, cluttered or dated looking, they will never come back, even if you subsequently clean it up, stage it or even remodel it. They have moved on to the houses that were show-ready to begin with.

4. Time is NOT on your side. The longer your house sits on the market, the lower the selling price. If you don’t get an offer in the first month, your agent will probably recommend that you reduce your price. So you want to improve your odds of getting an offer right out of the gate by staging your home.

5. Staging before you list will force you to deal with your clutter and cast-offs sooner rather than later and make the whole process of moving more organized and less stressful.

Remember, when selling your house, you are playing the numbers game. The more people you can get through your front door, the more likely you will get an offer. So the objective is to attract as many potential buyers as possible and then wow them when they get there. That’s what staging does.

Anne West
Redesign Doctor

www.redesigndoctor.com